Humans are a hardy species, we can survive some of the harshest conditions on the planet. We have existed in all parts of the world, peaks of mountains where the air is too thin to sustain plant life, to deserts where microbes die from heat, and oceans where light never touches. There are very few creatures as tough as we are.
I wake up every morning, no longer feeling the constant pressure on my life. I had forgotten what it was like, the lack of the familiar and somewhat comforting pain in my chest that came from living life the way I did. Things move now, I see myself having a future again. Survival has become second nature again, I am no longer trying to make it through the day. I look to the future with hope in my heart.
The tardigrade is one of these few creatures, having been observed surviving in the vacuum of space, in temperatures that would kill any mammal in an instant, and under pressure greater than anything seen in the earth’s oceans. They are almost indestructible, able to survive anything by entering a state of hibernation that gives them a resilience to most of the world’s greatest threats.
It was like I was floating, my mind slowed down, my choices dulled and quieted. A slow descent into a state of impassivity. Eventually I became a shell, unlivable and alone in the world. There was something in my life that was causing this, something that made me hide and compartmentalise my existence. A pressure that was all encompassing, one where I had no escape. And so, I survived.
The way tardigrades’ protective hibernation works is by entering a special state of being, it’s called “tun”. When in this state their metabolism slows down, their bodies make use of special proteins only found in tardigrades to preserve their cells and protect them from the dangers of the universe by coating them in a glass-like protective layer.
Psychological pain is hard to describe, there is no physical evidence that you can point to to make yourself heard. All there is is your account of what happened. You are made to look like a fool, pointing to a wall with pictures and newspaper clippings with red yarn connecting your disjointed scribbles. There are no bruises to make clear what happened, there is only the effect it had on oneself, on myself.
It is fascinating to see what happens to tardigrades when they enter tun, it’s almost like they become a separate being that is capable of surviving anything in exchange for a half-life of sorts. One where all that matters is surviving just a little bit more. Whereas the tardigrade when it is fully alive will wriggle and move, feasting with merry until the danger returns and it is time to enter tun once more.
When I was able to separate my life cleanly in two, things were much easier. In one world there was myself, unburdened and able to truly experience the world around me, I was truly alive. Then there was the life I led when I was exposed to the pressure, one where I was constantly changing and moulding myself to fit what was expected of me. I was nothing more than something to be bent into shape for the benefit of another.
Unfortunately for the tardigrade, they are not truly indestructible, it is actually surprisingly simple to kill them. Despite the protective wonders of tun, it doesn’t last forever, making it possible to kill a tardigrade. By placing the tiny beast into gently simmering water eventually the tardigrade will be unable to maintain tun, and it will perish.
Something happened, and the pressure became constant. I could no longer ignore what was being done to me as I was being immersed in it constantly. I was exposed to the painful pressure constantly, the expectations to change increasing in intensity. I was no longer an individual allowed to be myself. I became an object to be used by another. Unable to speak my mind. Pushed to isolate myself from the ones who loved me. My body was misused and my sense of self was constantly denigrated. I was told I was the problem. Eventually I began to doubt my own reality. I could no longer escape the violence in my life.
Tardigrades are somewhat relatable, they have been in all kinds of extreme conditions, able to survive the worst that the world has to throw at it. Yet still they are able to be taken down by something small and innocuous, the temperature of a warm cup of tea. I see myself in them, I have been in all kinds of situations that many would describe as extreme, but it was something so simple that brought me to my knees and almost destroyed me.